Losing and finding myself

Remember when i post quite a few i think about losing myself, about how i miss the old me and wish that i could somehow be my old self back. And remember about that roller coaster post i wrote about joe and the feelings i had on him. It was so confusing and uncertain. I could go back to love him in second then change it to move on and the list repeated. But somehow this has to end. 

The reason behind i lose myself it was because i was busy focusing in chasing another soul. I forgot that some things can't be change and i just need to let go. But i dont know, it just feel like i could buy some time and make it like it used to. I forgot that he is long gone, way before i get him back again a few years back then. It was not a mistake because i think if i could go back, i would do it all over again. He was my best friend and i couldnt just throw this friendship away like it was nothing. And maybe thats why i put too much hope and effort trying to fix it. Obviously i fail. Because he pack his bag and decide to leave without saying goodbye. All he left me was these question mark.

He got secrets that he doesn't confide. And I confront him just to get a closure. Didn't expect to get a reply after he ignore me for 2 months. But he did. He explain everything but somehow no sense of apologetic from him. Just ego and excuses. And i let all the rage, all the feelings i kept inside all these year. I let it all out and he said nothing. All i get is nothing.

I didn't realize that slowly i lose myself as he take it pieces by pieces of me. Or how he take my hand and pull me down with his sweet talks. And how he drown me with his action in ignoring me as if i wasn't exist. How he ripped me apart when he started to hurt my feelings and i tried to brush it off as if it was nothing and pretend that i was ok. But the worst part of it all, how could he not feeling sorry and how easy it was for him to walk away and just forget me as if the last 10 years doesn't meant anything. While i'm still hurting...

Maybe there's somewhere a lesson to learn. Some things cant be save. Some things need to be let go and move on without question. These day i feel a little bit better. Im picking myself up and picking up the pieces and put it back. But there was also a time where i miss him and longing to talk to him. But i couldnt risk another cracked. He is probably feeling just fine and I'm still hurting...