It was over now

What i am about to post is all about feelings and only feelings.. So if you cant bear it or if  'feeling' just wasnt your genre, i suggest you to skip this post. Now. Immediately. But if you wish to stay and continue it, well, all i could say is I warned you.

For the past few months, nothing seems right anymore. I found myself getting sensitive easily but quick in hide it and pretending to be okay. The thing is, i terlalu pendam. I take it and keep it instead of let it out. I tak tau nape lately ssh sgt nk keluar air mata ni. Padahal dlu kira senang lah jugak. I just tgk any cerite yg sedih but now it didnt seems to work out anymore. I sedih tgk the scene yg mcm related dgn i, i even sedih baca quote/ words yang ada kene mengene ngan situasi i, and i even sedih dgr certain lagu yg lirik dia mcm memahami i. Tapi dia hanya sedih, i didnt have a good cry for a very long time. I need my sadness. Seriously. Joy ni workaholic ke mcm mne? She was there control my mood 24/7. Dh mcm orng gile kuasa lak. Okay, terlari dri topik.

The thing is i kinda had a fight with joe before my convo day. I adalah terasa hati dgn dia nyer action. A few of action actually and the last one is a turning point so i burst with anger and rage. I let everything out and i said everything yg selama ni terpendam jauh di lubuk hati. Cewah. I just wish he didnt reply. I wish he wouldnt care like he always did. I wish he just ignore it. He so good at it anyway. And it was easy for me to leave and hate him. But here's a thing about wishes. It didnt really came true. It never did. Sbb in second i harap mcm tu, tup tup tup dia reply lak. A very long one text lak tu. Wow, first time in my entire life i dpt mesej mcm tu dri dia. Betul betul nk backup diri ke bang? He explain everything and I did try to digest it and understand it. But i couldnt. Because it seems like he still didnt let go his past, he didnt let go of her. And the worst part of it all, he didnt even said sorry for breaking me apart all this year. No sense of apologetic at all. 

But it wasnt his fault. And it wasnt mine either. We're just not meant to be. And i should have realize it all these years. Yeah, we had a good times but that was all in the past. Somehow we are a different person now and we want different things. The reason i confess kt dia dulu pun was actually untuk i move on. I just nk dia tau apa i rasa. I just want him to know so at least later i takkan regret for not confessing my feelings to him. He wasnt suppose to reply it and he definitely wasnt suppose to say he likes me too. It wasnt a part of the plan. And the fact that he makes everything so casual after that day, flirty and we talked like we used to, makes me think that maybe we can work everything out. We could be those person again when we were in teens. Maybe we didnt really screw up our relationship just yet. And maybe i could buy us time and fix wherever need to be fix and we could be happy and reckless like we used to.

And thats when i was wrong. Because it was long gone. And this was all just a lies manipulative fantasy I had in mind. I forgot that some things cannot be fix. Some things just need to be let go and move on. And i should have let you go the second you disappear for almost 4 months. You just push me away from your life. And up until now i dont know why i was holding on. Why i didnt give up. Maybe because i love you and i love our friendship so damn much. And after that particular event, you keep on disappear and ignore me for days or weeks or months. Until I just stop counting and care. Like if you came, you came. And if you didnt, well, i always be here anyway. Waiting. But everytime you came back, i found myself preparing myself to watch you leave again.

But these past few months, after the confession, its getting worsen. Its not just about the ignorance or disappearance anymore. It was the way you started to question certain things and how you stop do those little things. And slowly i started to question myself, was it all worthy? Well, at first it feels kinda because you all i ever wanted. But slowly, i realized i am worthy and i deserve better. I lose myself while chasing you. I care too much for you. I always be there for you. And im giving so much while receive none from you. I wish i could tell you things like we used to spontaneously. Now i dont feel i can tell you anything, really, cause it feels like you going to ignore me again, you wouldnt care about me at all.

You claimed this friendship meant a lot and we've been together for so long. Yet you come and go from my life like im nothing, like this friendship was a very short while and it is meaningless. You said you always gonna be there for me but where were you when i need someone to talk to, where were you when i am falling apart. And i thought that i knew you better but turn out i wasnt. Because you were long gone when i had you back. But the worst part of it all, you never come back for me, you just leave. And you never care about me. You never did. And i have been love you like a fool.  I wish you could just be honest and tell me the truth. Because really, i would let you go. Because thats what the original plan was.

But whatever. Its over now. And i wish you the best and i hope when you fell in love with someone new, treat her better. It sadden me that this friendship end after 10 years of roller coaster. Nothing last forever anyway. But i feel glad that i meet you, that i knew. Thank you for all the things that you done for me, thanks for the memories. I guess i should leave now.


Goodbye joe. Take care.